Q: What is a homo's favorite time of day?
A: Ate a cock.

Q: What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A: George Michael's latest release.

Q: Did you hear about the gay whale?
A: He bit the end off a submarine and sucked out all the semen.

Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.

Q: What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.

Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: A salad shooter.

Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: He was the president after Bush.

Q: Did you hear the plan to get the crime rate down to almost zero?
A: Hold a Million Man March every day.

Q: Why is the African-American network named "B.E.T."?
A: Because "T.N.N." was already taken.

Q: Did you hear about the new Mexican sports car?
A: Four on the floor, twelve in the back.

Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is a redneck?
A: When she can suck dick and chew tabacco at the same time, and still
knows which one to spit and which one to swallow.

Q: Why do black people not take asprin?
A: Because they have to pick cotton to get to it.

Q: What are 3 things you can't give a black person?
A: A black eye, a fat lip and a job.

Another Monica and Bill Joke:
Monica Lewinsky's lawyer hands a picture of her to Bill Clinton and says, "Mr. President, do you recognize this woman?" Clinton says, "I think I've come across her face a couple of times."

A guy goes into the dentist's office, sits down in the chair, pulls down his zipper, and takes out his dick. The dentist says, "What are you doing? I'm a dentist." The guy says, "There's a tooth in there."

Kinda funny:
A woman gets badly burned, and they graft skin from her husband's ass to rebuild her face. After the series of operations, she looks great. She says, "Honey, how can I ever repay you?" He says, "I get paid back every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Pour some wiskey on me:
Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends.
He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request for ye." O'Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down. "O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done." "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough enough. It takes up a lot of your time. And what do you get at the end of it? DEATH! Personally, I think the life cycle is backwards. You should DIE first and get it out of the way. Then you live in an old folks' home. You get kickedout when you're too young. You then get a gold watch. You go to work. You work 40 years until you'reyoung enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to trade school, you become a kid and you play with no responsibilities. You become a little baby. Back into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating and then.
You finish off as an orgasm.

Breast Man:
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

6 Shots:
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."

Gator trick:
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

Not as young:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

A Vase:
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason." The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The brunette says, "Oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Clear and Present Boner
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
How To Get Ahead in Business
Me and My Big Mouth
I Wore What You Did Last Summer

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
4. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
5. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplants are grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched.
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. 10. All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. 12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "Mt."
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5.00 bill 14. Almonds are members of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. 18. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
19. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
20. On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the 1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner 21. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
22. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

Dear Jesus:
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want...so why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead. After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Little Johnny
Now Little Johnny KNEW that Jesus REALLY knew what kind of boy he was (BRAT) so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try....
Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Little Johnny
Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again...
Dear Jesus, I've THOUGHT about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle? Signed, Little Johnny.
Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about, depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions...He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door. On his way, he was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:
Jesus, I've broken most of the Ten Commandments, shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I am desparate. I've got your Mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. Signed, You Know Who

Redneck Obituary
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,let it read, 'Billy Bob died'. "Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries". Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.

Mad Dog:
One fall day Ken was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse, which was followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Ken went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Ken "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Ken then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law, my dog bit her and she died as well." Ken asked, "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line," replied the man.

Marry me?:
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree"; he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on"?

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.
So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand howyou expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.